“Her recovery is in doubt” – April 14, 2005 – Day 7 – Week 1

Okay, so no one actually came out and said those words to us, but the doctor handed Lis a letter to send to the embassy in Brazil and those words were written in that letter. I don’t know if it’s true or just a way to show the embassy the seriousness of the disease. We hope it’s the latter.

Things were all right today. She was more awake and doesn’t look like she’s getting too sick. I didn’t want to go to work this morning. I was crabby and didn’t feel like being there. Eventually I settled in. I don’t want to go tomorrow and think about just heading straight to the hospital in the morning to be with her. I’m starting to think negatively (her blood is just too low and won’t climb!) and my days of being with my wife feel like they’re coming to an end. I hate it cause it puts “what-if” thoughts in my head.

I did tell her that I would move to Brazil and live there for a few years. I think I already wrote about that above. I’m just so scared. There is no way of ignoring it either, its frustrating cause things can’t and won’t ever go back to being normal. Back to thinking we had drama in our lives if Lis breastfed Lukas in the middle of the night when I didn’t think she should. Those were the things we argued about and got upset about. Nothing. Nothing compares to what we’re going through now.

It’s past midnight, I don’t want to fall asleep, and I don’t want the next day to start. Like Lis said, I wish I could fall asleep, wake up and everything is back to normal. The thought or scare of this would be fine, cause it’s changed my life and the way I think, but the pain of it I want to go away. I can’t raise a kid on my own. I need her. He needs her.

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