Our First Road Trip or Five Tips on Traveling with Three Kids!

I think Clark Griswold may have rubbed off on me.

Instead of “Look kids! Big Ben! Parliament!” it was “Look kids! Another farm plain!”

There were chants of “I’m bored!” or “Are we there yet?” but in the end I felt like Clark on his Quest for Fun! Because darnit I grew up on family vacations! They were some of my fondest memories. 

Every summer we’d pack up the Family Truckster and head towards the Grand Canyon, the Redwood National Park, Zion National Park or any other park that was filled with rocks and canyons.

It seems like family vacations have become a thing of the past. Most of the kids in the Youth Group I lead haven’t been out of the state. When you mention taking three kids on a road trip for more than an hour people will usually grimace and cringe, like they’ve eaten a bad hot dog, and then make sure you’re serious about this adventure you’re about to embark on.

My parents took three boys in tow, and they seemed to come out of it somewhat sane. Why would I think that we wouldn’t be able to?

Our first journey together was to Spokane. A quick 5-hour jont across the Cascade mountain range. Why Spokane? It was something to do. Somewhere Lis had never been and I didn’t remember being.

We’ve been blessed to have great travelers – for the most part. We’ve traveled to and from Brazil more than a few times. Lis took all three of them, by herself, to Brazil last year and they were great, so the trip over the mountains went smooth. We stopped for a pee break at the top of the mountain pass (see photo below: Don’t let Lukas’s body language fool you, it wasn’t that cold!) then promised them a lunch break at a park at the bottom of the hill. 

Tip No. 1 on Traveling with Three Kids: If you’re potty-training, plan on a lot of pulling over and false alarms!

Levi, our 2-year-old, is in the midst of potty-training. Oh, and he was a champ. He held it for eight hours, refusing to pee in the bushes more than once, refusing to pee on the tire, refusing to use the toilet at the park, refusing to pee at all!

Oh, you’re stumped on, “Held it for eight hours?! I thought you said the trip was five hours?!”

Tip No. 2 on Traveling with Three Kids: Don’t miss the turn when you’re looking for a nice park to eat lunch at!

This was definitely a Clark Griswold moment. Look kids a river! I don’t know what happened! We were headed in the right direction! We found us a nice park to eat lunch (see below)! Then we kept going and going and going … 

 

It didn’t seem right. I’m usually good with my directional sense, and actually my directional sense was working. It felt like we were headed too north and not a bit of east. I tried to check my GPS but there was no service. I tried to find someone to ask, but there was nobody in sight. We just kept driving and driving hoping we’d find a sign that says, “Fool! You were supposed to turn right about an hour and a half ago!”

Lis was able to contact my dad – in Georgia -via text and he assured us that yes, we were going the wrong way.

This blew our entire afternoon of visiting the carousel at the Riverpark in Spokane. We crossed more and more plains, stopped for one or two pee breaks … including this photo that I titled, “Where were we supposed to turn?”

Where were we supposed to turn?

It was frustrating and by then the kids were getting more restless. We played the Alphabet Sign game (find a word that starts with the letter A…got it!…now B!), which works unless you’re surrounded by dirt and rolling praires. Then the only letter you find is M for “Mile You’re-SO-Lost”. So Lia told us a plethora of “Knock-Knock” and chicken crossing jokes that were amusing, but usually ended with ”to get to the other side” or the word fart in it. She’s 4 and not very ladylike, it’s a work in progress.

We finally arrived in Spokane and our hotel at around 6:30pm, three hours behind our estimated arrival time.

The kids were so enamored with the hotel room. I gave them the OK to jump on the beds (and sometimes from one to the other, when Mom wasn’t watching), because after all, this is what we did when we were kids. Levi was so excited to see a porcelein toilet that he relieved himself (in said-toilet) and 45 minutes later we were back in the car and headed to the carousel ride I promised Lia.

Except that the carousel closed at six. I had a small inclination to pull a Clark Griswold reaching Wally World. But it said it would reopen at 11am so we walked, played and took in the sites before catching a bite to eat at the lovely Jack in the Box across the street from our hotel. Which brings me to tip No. 3.

Tip No. 3 for Traveling with Three Kids: An 8-hour ride in the car, coupled with a late bedtime will make grumpy EVERYONE!

Oh and make sure you bring your systematic daughter’s pillow from home. “This doesn’t have a cover on it! I want my Tinkerbell cover! This isn’t that fluffy!”

Little man was tired, so he was cranky. Lia didn’t know whether she wanted to sleep on the bed or her blow-up mattress bed. Lukas couldn’t get comfortable. Mom was growing frustrated with little man. Dad was growing more and more frustrated with little man and daughter! Lukas was bored. Dad flipped out and was ready to throw everyone back in the car and head home. Not fun!

But alas, we all ended up falling asleep and were ready for Day 2!

My wife has a problem!

This would be the bed that Lis made on Saturday morning. Looks nicer than when we walked into the room. She has issues. Things have to look neat or her day is thrown off. This is why she does the dishes while some of us are still eating. Oh well. I love her for it?

We took a recruiting visit to Gonzaga. Beautiful campus! We decided Lukas would play basketball, Levi was going to play soccer and/or baseball and Lia, with her gift of gab and question probing, was headed to the School of Law.

Lia and her future school!

 

 

Why Gonzaga? I have liked their basketball squad since ’98 so why not?

Home of the Bulldogs!

We spent the mid-afternoon riding the much promised carousel, though Levi wasn’t having it – and either was Lukas.

Walking around the falls …
 

Before visiting Liberty Lake for Lukas’s first trip to Subway, a trip to the park and some Geocaching!

  

Round II of bedtime wasn’t as bad, though this time Lia wanted a nightlight, and she wondered if she had any other PJ options, or if she has to sport the same ones she wore last night. Argh!

Sunday we headed home, spending the morning by visiting a church nearby and then heading towards the Grand Coulee Dam.

We stumbled across a dam when we were lost and I wanted to post a picture that said, “Grand Coulee Dam We’re Lost!” (see what I did there) but since we were in the middle of Timbuktu, or it could’ve been Bridgeport, and there was no service I couldn’t post it.

Here’s my two days later picture! Not sure why Lia has the same pose in both pictures, as if I cut and pasted her into each one.

Grand Coulee Dam We’re Lost!

 

Again, doing my Griswold impersonation, I didn’t want to make the straight trek home but wanted to sightsee. Since in the middle of nowhere this giant dam, the Grand Coulee Dam, is the only thing to see, so that’s what we saw. See?

We walked down to the park, took some family photos (by now you know how we do) and headed back on our way.

Oh yah, but not before Levi, the closest thing we’ve had to a dog, saw the water, decided he was going to strip off his clothes, attempt to scale a small chain link fence and head for the lake (or is it a river there?). We stopped him from scaling the fence and swimming, and slowed him down from stripping.

No, you can’t take off your pants!

The drive home was a little more relaxed as the kids wore themselves out. Lia took time to play with her dolls (her inner-thoughts play out in the voices of her dolls, “Dad got upset … Mom said we can’t have ice cream now … ” interesting), tell 4-year-old jokes and ask us, “Why do I talk so loud?” You’re a Johnson … it’s OK.

Levi napped, woke up and gave us a false alarm about having to go pee then napped so more.

And Lukas was queasy the entire time. Which brings me to my next travel tip.

Tip No. 4 for Traveling with Three Kids: If you have one that gets motion sickness, be prepared to immediately pull over for they will puke!

Lis kept telling me that he’s OK. I didn’t think he was OK. After all, I had the same car sickness issues that he has. For the most part he was OK until we ascended up the mountain and started to come back down then Levi said “XIXI!” (Portuguese for GOTTA PEE NOW!) and Lukas said “AUGH!” (Sensitive Stomach for GOTTA VOMIT NOW!). We pulled over and Levi did his thing. We all clapped as he was 2-for-2 on peeing outside, and over the entire 3-day weekend had only one incident and that was not his fault. He told us he had to go but a park in Liberty Lake had its bathroom doors locked so there was no waiting.

Meanwhile as we’re cheering on Levi I’m telling Lukas to stop trying to make himself throw up. He said he wasn’t. “Yes you are! You’re pushing your stomach and … “

If throw up makes you queasy then turn your head. I know I’m a bad father, but 15 years from now we’ll laugh at this! We all did after it was over. He’s a professional by now.

With that taken care of the rest of the way was smooth sailing, the kids were excited to be in their own beds and …

Tip No. 5 for Traveling with Three Kids: Unless you have to, wait until the youngest is at least 4-years-old. You’ll feel more sane and have a little more fun!

Pausing and Reflecting On Eight Years Ago!

Life is hectic for me. You’ve all heard me chat about it (like in every post! Give us a break!).

I’m a small business owner, attempting to write business, attempting to support my family. I’m also in the midst of the Relay For Life season. I’m also in the midst of putting together a Bark For Life. I’m also in the midst of putting together a newsletter for the elementary school. I’m also in the midst of running the Youth program at our church. I’m also in the midst of a few other groups (Chamber, LeTip) that need my attention and time. Oh and I’m also in the midst of pestering my brothers to be a part of a lip sync routine.

I don’t have time to pause and reflect (or at least don’t make time to pause and reflect).

But sometimes you need to, and for me the day to pause and reflect doesn’t come on my birthday, our anniversary, our kid’s birthdays or Valentine’s Day, it comes on April 7, the day my wife was diagnosed with leukemia.

Yes, it was eight years ago today that we heard the words, “You have cancer.” It was eight years ago today that what we thought was our complicated, stressful world came to a complete and sudden halt.

I think it’s fair to sit down and set aside some time to pause and reflect. It can help you put life in perspective (as does this video).

It allows you to not sweat the small stuff and it makes you frustrated that you do still sweat the small stuff. I thought we said we wouldn’t!

It makes you extremely thankful for the gifts in your life.

That 8-year-old son, who complains so often about being bored, or who is so emotional – OFTEN, but was just 5-months old when his mom was diagnosed and was such an inspiration in her fight.

That 4-year-old daughter, who persistently screams, “LOVE YOU!” 25 times in a row (no exaggeration), forcing you to scream back in frustration, “LOVE YOU LIA!” because she doesn’t want to fall asleep at night. Who on April 7, 2005 was an unlikely thought after the doctor informed us that it was likely we would never be able to have kids again. Geez, even as a zygote she was persistent and stubborn.

And the just-because-we-can, goofy 2-year-old son, whose toothy grin, silly chuckles and calm demeanor bring smiles to the dinner table.

The love of a wife, who for nearly 10 years has stood by me through all of the aforementioned projects I’ve involved myself (and often the rest of the Johnson 5 – and more) in. Who continues to laugh at my dorkiness (and accepts me for it too!). Who has been an inspiration to me since Day 1. Who is patient with me through my struggles and fantasy football and baseball. Who on April 7, 2005, we were just hoping she’d make it an extra 3-6 months.

Since it’s nearly 10 years I’ll wait to get mushy on you all!

The extra supportive Mom (or in Lis’s case mother-in-law), who went above and beyond her call of duty and continues to be super supportive through my new ventures, Relay, lip sync and helping Lis and I with the kids, when needed.

The family and friends that supported us then and continue to support us eight years later. And the friends and family that we have met since then that continue to support us.

It makes you thankful for the simple things that surround you – like the trees outside your window, the roof over your head, the rising river … life!

It makes you remember why you have faith in things people don’t always understand – like the power of prayer. 

I’ve now sat here for 30 minutes writing, deleting, writing, deleting … you get the point. I don’t want to repeat things I’ve said every year for the last seven years. I don’t want to bore myself with nonsense or ramble on about how I don’t set aside time to think about the important things in life.

I’ll close by saying that this day, more than any other, changed my life. It taught me to grow up. It taught me to love what I have and not want things that don’t matter in the actual scheme of life. It taught me about friendship and family. It taught me about faith. It taught me that life is fragile. It taught me patience. It taught me humility. It taught me unselfishness. It taught me to be giving. It taught me to care more. It made me who I am today, which is a much better person than I was on April 6, 2005.

I’m not saying that I’m perfect in all of the ways above. God knows I struggle with all of the above at times, especially patience. I’m also not saying that I was a horrible person before this day.

I’m just saying that I need to remember this day more frequently. I need to pause and reflect on those gifts that are in my life and what they mean to me, more frequently. OK … I’m rambling.

I was telling the kids yesterday at lunch about Mom and her battle. Lia had a few questions and when Lukas asked me not to get into the bloody details, literally bloody details, I stopped and told them that one day I’ll present the three of them with a book (based on this journal) about their Mom’s fight. After all that’s why I ramble, to be able to share with them one day. Lukas, now hooked and reading his sixth or seventh Diary of a Wimpy Kid book asked if he could illustrate it. That might be fun!

Here is Lukas’s rendition of this picture taken April 7, 2005:

 

Breaking Down Our Brackets!

It’s that time of the year again! One of my favorite times of the year! You have March Madness! The NCAA tournament! Thirty-two games in two days! Sixty-four teams down to 32 within 48 hours! It’s awesome! Oh and baseball is right around the corner!

For the 13th year in a row I’m running a NCAA bracket pool. We’ll call it KJ’s March Madness Bracket Thingy! How clever eh? For the first time my kids will be participating.

I say kids because Lia overheard Lukas and I talking Bracketology and wanted in on this. You’ll find both of their brackets below.

Last night we grabbed our brackets, grabbed our pens and pencils and scribbled out our 2013 champion. It was fun watching how the kids came up with who they thought or wanted to win.

Lia and her first bracket! I’m so proud! Wish I could say the same about her picks!

Lukas was a pro, once I explained what the numbers on the left meant (the seeding) and the numbers on the right of the team meant (wins / losses) it was off to the races. He’s now 8-years old and has gotten more interested in sports. Thank You Lord for that answered prayer!

He’ll sit and watch football or basketball with me. He gets overly excited, screaming at the TV at certain plays. He asks a lot of questions about the rules and what things mean, and he can rattle off names of players, including his favorites Aaron Rodgers, Marshawn Lynch (thanks Josh), AJ Hawk (he’s “in the game”, meaning the Madden 2007 game I allow him to occasionally play) and Russell Wilson.

He likes the Packers, because they are green, his favorite color, and the Seahawks, because my buddy Josh bought him a Lynch jersey years back – and because we live in Sea-town!

His bracket didn’t look too bad. Go figure! This is a kid that has won two Super Bowl pools in four years and an Oscar pool.

In fact, let’s take a look at it now:

 

Wacky Upsets? Not in the first round. He chose Oregon, Notre Dame, South Dakota State and Oklahoma to advance to the Sweet Sixteen. Oregon and Notre Dame because they are green. Not sure why he chose South Dakota State (which may not be a bad pick) and Oklahoma because of “Kevin Durant”.

He actually has Notre Dame playing into the Elite Eight and Oklahoma as a Final Four team.

His Final Four …

Duke – He couldn’t explain to me why he picked Duke, but he was overly excited about picking them. I’m wondering if we’ve seen them before.

Gonzaga - He knows that I like Gonzaga. His teacher is a Gonzaga megafan. I’m guessing all this played a part in his choice.

Oklahoma – Again … because of Kevin Durant. I explained to him that it wasn’t the pros but whatevs!

Miami – See: Oklahoma. We had just watched the Heat win their 23rd in a row. He likes the Heat because he likes LeBron, thus the Hurricanes advance to the Final Four and …

Lose to Gonzaga in the title game 58-50. He didn’t give me a reason why he picked that score but I’m assuming he’s used to seeing our rec league games where the scores are usually around this number.

It’s better than Lia’s 9-8 final score prediction, which brings me to her bracket.

Lia is 4-years-old and since she can only really write her name and about 10 other letters somewhat legible I thought I would fill out her bracket, but ask her who she thought would win by reading off the names of each matchup. Also, since a No. 16 has never beaten a No. 1, I chose all the No. 1′s to advance past the first round.

I’m going to brag on my daughter a bit. She’s always had a gift for gab, a gift of language. It could be something she received from her mother. She screamed a lot when she was days old. She learned to speak early, and quickly. She would use words that normal 2-1/2 year olds normally wouldn’t use, and she enunciates everything to perfection – and not only in English but in Portuguese (and probably other languages if we knew them). She just picks up on this stuff fast.

And to think we have another year and a half until she’s in Kindergarten!

Now I could just be boasting about my child, since I don’t know a lot of 4-year olds, but if I said “Valparaiso” to Lukas, or anyone else in his second grade class, they may butcher it the first time. Lia nailed it the first time, though the second time she added a Portuguese accent to it.

Oh … she does have a tiny language flaw. She doesn’t say a hard R. She actually has a New Yawker accent. So Georgetown is more like Geowgetown. OK, so maybe she doesn’t have a gift but it was fun to listen to her repeat “Louisville”, “St. Louis”, “Wichita State”, “Gonzaga”, “Ole Miss!”, “Illinois” (with the silent S), “California”, “Akron”, “North Carolina” and the aforementioned “Valparaiso” with perfection the first time.

The names listed above all advanced in her bracket. In fact she loved saying “Valparaiso” so much that they advanced to the Elite Eight.

Other wacky upsets?

Iona to the Sweet Sixteen. I think it’s because Iona sounds like it could be the name of a Disney princess.

Pacific over Miami. With me asking a few times … are you sure?

She has Montana advancing to the Elite Eight and losing to Butler.

Her Final Four wasn’t too bad … she has Gonzaga over St. Louis and Butler over Geowgetown, with Gonzaga defeating Butler in the rematch 9-8.

Both kids advanced Butler pretty far. Why? Because it has butt in it … that’s right Butt-ler! That’s fun to repeat right? It’s hilarious right? If you’re 4 it is!

Who is in my Final Four?

I took Duke over New Mexico and Indiana over Georgetown with Indiana over Duke in the National Championship. Let’s check back in a month and see which Johnson did better! My guess is that it won’t be me.

Happy Valentine’s Day

Happy Valentine’s Day all!

Thanks to my buddy Shawnn for saving my Valentine’s Day. It’s been rough starting my own agency and money has been tight so Valentine’s Day was going to be like any other day in the Johnson household, but I just saved him some dough on his car insurance and he was nice enough to gift me this wonderful goodie-filled balloon! He does these around the holidays so if you’re wanting one at a discounted price then let me know! Thanks Shawnn!

Meanwhile, I finished a post on PopBlerd! about the top 10 movie characters I’d like to date. You should check it out at http://popblerd.com/2013/02/14/valentines-day-character-crushes/.

There’s a list for girls, a list for boys and for those wanting to keep it on the friendship tip there’s a list for them as well! Fun read!

Here’s a preview:

So this is Valentine’s Day? They can keep it!

OK, so maybe I shouldn’t be saying that, after all I’m hitched and as a decent husband I should be overspending today on flowers, candy and teddy bears in hopes that my wife will repay me in … making awesome dinner for me!

I’m a hopeless romantic, but I’ve never understood why we have to go out of our way this one day to love someone we should be loving just the same every day. Am I right or am I right?

Since this is a pop culture website I thought it might be fun to do a Valentine’s Day post that related to pop culture. The top love-making songs? Nah. Everyone does that. And if you’re on Spotify you can listen to my Candlelight Mix. Guys, you can thank me later. What about the top romantic comedies? They are a dying breed, but nah, something a little different.

A few months back I was watching one of my favorite movies when I noticed a character in the movie and thought, “Hmm…she’d be fun to go out with.” The character, which will be mentioned later, was attractive, funny, different. Which made me think? What would be the top 10 movie characters I’d like to date.

I wasn’t looking for the hottest actresses or characters. As much as Anne Hathaway and Scarlett Johansson were sexy last year in their black leather outfits as Catwoman and Black Widow, respectively, you, as my buddy put it, “don’t want to go out with someone that could kick your ass in a matter of seconds.” Jessica Rabbit nearly made my list but again, I’d be basing it solely on looks. Her personality didn’t appeal to me at all.

I threw this out to my buddies and the PopBlerd staff but the best we could do were a couple of TV show characters led by Antonia Marchette (Rebecca Gayheart) from 90210 and The Cosby Show’s Denise Huxtable (Lisa Bonet).

I was pleased when I received two lists that would complement mine, May’s entertaining “Platonic” list, which keeps things on the friendship tip, and Cassandra’s top 10 character crushes, which gives the perspective from the woman’s point-of-view.

For the rest go to http://popblerd.com/2013/02/14/valentines-day-character-crushes/.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Post-Op Update!

If you read my prior entry – and why wouldn’t you have? – you’ll know that both myself and Dapper Dan had scheduled surgeries this week. I’m happy to say that both were successful and we’re both looking better than ever. OK, so maybe he’s looking better than ever, I’m still hanging out with a giant, white bandage on my nose and behind my right ear.

If you’re just joining us, I had a Basal Cell Carcinoma (aka cancer) removed from my nose. Dapper Dan had some patchwork done. Thanks to my mom and grandma for making this happen. The Dapper Dan part, though I’m sure you both played a part in the white, easily-burnt, freckly skin that I’ve been blessed with. 

Oh, and I’m not sure if Lia was more nervous about my surgery or Dapper Dan’s. Though my vote is with Dapper Dan.

As an update to last Monday’s post I thought I should sit down with Dapper Dan, one more time, and talk to him about his surgery, my surgery and how we’ve been feeling since.

Dapper Dan and Kevin, reunited post-op!

Miss Lia and the “New” Dapper Dan!

Dan: Wow, twice in one week! This record hasn’t been broken since you came crying to me about your broken heart back in ’95.

Kevin: Well, I thought it was only fitting since we both had our first surgeries to sit down and chat about our experience. How’d it go?

Dan: I feel great! New pants, new shirt and this wacky monkey stamp on my chest.

Kevin: I was going to ask you about that. Why the monkey patch?

Dan: I have no idea. Maybe it was the old lady’s trademark. She brands every doll by sewing a monkey in their chest. Wouldn’t it be weird if they sewed a monkey patch on your nose?

Kevin: I don’t think they did that. They took a chunk of skin from behind my right ear.

Dan: You don’t know that. You haven’t seen it yet.

Kevin: True.

Dan: When do you get that funky bandage off your nose anyway? It continues to shrink. It went from looking like a giant, freshly woven mothball to a discolored spider web.

Kevin: And it stinks.

Dan: I bet it does. And the way the tape is flinging off your face, you look like a cat with messed up whiskers. How’s that doing for customer service?

Kevin: Not very good. Had a dude attempt to hide behind one of my monitors today and I got not one but two odd-cringe like looks while going through the McDonald’s drive-thru.

Dan: Ouch! You know it’s bad when the pimply kid at the drive-thru is giving you “odd-cringe like looks”. How did your surgery go?

Kevin: It was fine. They dug out a hole and sent me to a waiting room as I waited for the “Cancer or No Cancer” results with a semi-decent bandage on my nose. The nurse walks in, gives me a thumbs up and escorts me back so they can repatch the blowhole coming out of my right nostril.

Dan: I’m sure Lis would love if you kept that eh?

Kevin: Probably. Extra breathing room. Less snoring. Lis actually offered to give up part of her nose, an inheritance from being a third-generation Italian. 

Dan: They wouldn’t do it?

Kevin: Nope. They instead take a skin graft from behind my ear and attach it to my nose. It wasn’t too painful. The worst part was feeling the zaps as they cauterised the blood vessels in my nose. I made a few attempts at cheesy jokes in hopes that it would loosen my nerves but it didn’t work.

Dan: And you stayed home on Wednesday?

Kevin: Yah. The doctor told me to take it easy for a couple of days. I was told the same thing after my “No More Kids” procedure, took one day off and paid the price for not taking it easy. Yuck! I couldn’t get out of my chair at work.

Dan: Well the kiddos didn’t let you off too easy either.

Kevin: No, Lis watched the office and I spent Wednesday “relaxing” by running to and fro the bathroom helping Levi get potty-trained and to and fro the playroom hoping that he wasn’t eating his siblings Legos. Lia was really good though. That was a huge blessing!

Dan: Yah, well I have her under control now.

Kevin: The rest of the week I spent irritable because it’s a discomfort to sleep, especially when you like to roll over on your nose all night long. Plus I was out of work for two days, and when you run your own business, you’re not getting paid time off. Nope, you’re losing those days to inactivity. That only adds to the additional layer of stress.

Dan: I know. You’ve been expressing yourself a lot more these days. Reminds me of …

Kevin: Don’t start. That doesn’t help.

Dan: I’m happy to say that thanks to your wonderful daughter I feel rejuvenated. I have new clothes. I have a new buddy. I got my first bath since probably 1987. I feel great!

Dapper Dan’s first bath since … 1987?

Kevin: That’s the opposite of how I’m feeling.

Dan: Yah, well … buck up little camper … you’ll overcome this feeling!

Kevin: Thanks Dapper Dan! You’re always the best!

Dan: Thank you Kevin! You’re not so bad yourself.

Interviewing a Legend

We all have them.

Whether it be a little blue bear, a ragged Cookie Monster, an elephant with a name that means elephant in another language or a half-dog, half-blanket, we all have them and we all need them. And if you don’t have them or never did … maybe that’s why you have issues. On second thought, maybe that’s why I have issues.

Last year a summer blockbuster featured one, albeit a foul-mouthed one. Yes, I’m talking about “Ted” and yes I’m talking about those things that we slept with, were best friends with and never wanted to depart with – stuffed animals toys.

My best buddy was Dapper Dan.

Pictured: Kevin and Dapper Dan. Erik and Mr. Bear.

Quick thought, why have I never named a fantasy sports team “The Dapper Dans”? Must jot that down.

Dapper Dan does not refer to the pomade that was featured in the film “O Brother, Where Art Thou?” Even though I could relate when George Clooney’s character says, “I’m a Dapper Dan man!” No …

Dapper Dan is a vintage “learn to dress” doll from 1976 made by Playskool, Inc. We became best friends in October 1978, my first birthday, when my grandma got him for me.

 

“I bought him so you’d be able to do all that stuff,” Grandma recently told me, stuff meaning learn how to tie shoes, button suspenders, unsnap suspenders, zip up pants and, well … snuggle!

Thirty-four years later and we’re still together.

Why am I writing about a doll that I slept with when I was a kid (and most of my teenage years)? One I thought it’d be fun, secondly it’s been recently that Dapper Dan has made a return appearance in my life.

As a longtime friend of mine noted when he saw a picture of him on Instagram, “I see Dapper Dan has come out of retirement.”

Pictured Above: Dapper Dan Out of Retirement!

Yes, I still have him. And will continue to have him no matter what Lis says.

Dusting him off the top shelf of my closet I handed him down – literally and figuratively – to my 4-year-old daughter in an attempt to get her to stop getting up and out of bed. After all, Dapper Dan likes to sleep, he doesn’t like when you have to keep getting in and out of the covers. At least that’s what we told her.

Months later and she and Dapper Dan have become friends. She takes him places. She has to have him before the lights turn off. If he’s not there it’s a dollhunt trying to find him.

It’s been 34 years of good use (OK, so I’ve been married nearly 10 years, so we’ll call it 23-1/2) so you can imagine what Dapper Dan looks like. It’s not good.

“Poor little guy is wanting to come apart,” Grandma said.

In fact, Grandma, my mom and Lia have all made a deal to patch him up. Grandma is looking at redoing his jeans, all for a chance at preserving my little buddy (I had one of those too!).

Mom informed me via email that he’ll be having surgery on Thursday. Ironic since I’ll be having my first surgery tomorrow (Mohs Micrographic Surgery to remove the skin cancer on my nostril). I don’t consider getting snipped a surgery, it was what I like to call a “procedure” and what Lis and I called “necessary”.  

With Dapper Dan in the forefront of our minds I thought it’d be a good chance to sit down with him and chat about the past, the present and his impending future surgery … or just future.   

Kevin: It’s been some time since we’ve sat down and talked, doll to man. How have things been?

Dan: Let’s see I spent a little over seven years in a cold and dark box, trapped between a bear that sings “Water Runs Dry” and a bunch of unopened Star Wars cereal boxes. I was finally “allowed” to come into the house, where I spent three more years in your closet trapped between some VHS tapes, a little black box that read “Love Games” and a few hats, one that looked like it was once used by the Village People.

Kevin: OK … I don’t know what you’re talking about, other than the hat and that was used for a lip sync performance of “Y-M-C-A”.

Dan: You keep telling yourself that.

Kevin: Since you’re out of the closet.

Dan: Watch yourself.

Kevin: You know what I mean … how does it feel to be sleeping next to someone again, and having a buddy again?

Dan: It’s nice. She’s a more peaceful sleeper than you ever were.

Kevin: How so?

Dan: Let’s see … constant snoring, a bucket full of drool, talking in your sleep and a lot of moving around. Funny, I hear the same sounds from the bunk above us.

Kevin: You mean Lukas?

Dan: Whatever his name was. I thought we had a pact. You’d name your first kid Dan or Daniel after me. But no, all of a sudden you’re married and you forget about me. Then I hear you named him after your “boyhood hero” – Luke Skywalker?! Not your boyhood buddy, someone you actually spent time with, but your “boyhood hero”. A friggin’ movie character?!

Kevin: Sorry … it’s complicated.

Dan: As complicated as it was to tie my shoes when you were 14?

Kevin: OK … wait a second.

Dan: Lia sleeps like an angel … and have to admit, she kinda looks like one – when she’s asleep. Nice work. Doesn’t move too much. Sleeps with her mouth closed. Looks like she’s at peace. Very comfortable.

Kevin: Thanks. And she’s been taking you more places.

Dan: Yah, it’s been nice to be outside for once. Which reminds me? How did we get from California to Hawaii to rainy and overcast? Maybe I should’ve been put out in that garage sale when you were a kid before we moved out here.

Kevin: What?!

Dan: Oops … did Mommy and Daddy forget to share that with you?

Kevin: What do you think of Lia? How’s she treating you?

Dan: It’s cool. I usually just tag along with her and then she drops me while she plays with her Disney Princesses or dolls or whatever. A little different surroundings then when you were a kid. It was all Star Wars, Transformers and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Now I’m getting conversations about princes with singing and dancing included. And what’s with this weird mumbo-jumbo they speak during the day?

Kevin: It’s called Portuguese.

Dan: Oh.

Kevin: Without embarrassing me too much, what were some of your fondest memories of us when we were younger?

Dan: Hey … I haven’t aged, other than I’m a bit worn down a bit from your abuse.

Kevin: I call that love.

Dan: Is that what Lis calls it? At least you never tried to hump me.

Kevin: OK … let’s segway to Lis real quick, what are your brief thoughts about her?

Dan: Well you’ve made it 10 years so she’s got to be some sort of special. She has put me in said-box. She laughs when you talk about patching me up. And she thinks you’re crazy for wanting me to be buried with you when you die.

Kevin: Do you think that’s crazy?

Dan: Yah … I’m not dying my friend so I’m not going to spend the rest of my life next to some decaying body when I could be flopping around with your daughter’s kid. I’ve spent enough time in dark boxes. I don’t want to spend a longer time with one that smells. And trust me, you’re going to smell.

Kevin: Interesting point.

Dan: Thanks.

Kevin: Back to those memories. Do you remember the time when I almost lost you? Dad put you in the washing machine and you were torn into pieces.

Dan: I don’t get that dude. First, he continues to call me Diaper Dan! He fries your arm on Christmas morning 1980-whatever, with a combination of the sun and a magnifying glass and puts me in a washing machine going warp speed with a bunch of dirty laundry. Have to admit the first couple of spins were a hoot but when half of my body started flying out of me and my leg was dangling by a thread – literally – the fun quickly ended.

Kevin: That leads us into the recent, probably surgery to fix the growing stuffing leak on your backside.

Dan: “Growing stuffing leak”? Sounds like the same issue you went to the doctor for a few months back.

Kevin: Nice … and it wasn’t a leak. I had pain in … stop switching the subject!

Dan: Okay, okay! I’m fine with it. I think it’ll be good. Like a modern, updated version of Dapper Dan. New jeans, though hear my current ripped jean style is in these days. Possible new shirt. The possibility of maybe losing that big blue non-matching patch on my butt. I’m excited. I’m also hoping they clean up my face. I think I have dirt on my face from 1983. How are you taking your surgery?

Kevin: I’m OK with it as well.

Dan: Do you want me to come with you? Comfort you like when you used to go to the dentist?

Kevin: Nah, I should be good. Well, thank you for taking the time to talk to me. It’s been fun.

Dan: It has been nice. We haven’t talked this much since I was closing games for your imaginary baseball team from 1986-1990. Remember those teams! Man, we were good! I think we won every year!

Kevin: Yes … I remember. And to be honest, you only closed from 1987 to 1990. You were a starter the first season. And we didn’t win every year.

Dan: We sure did raise a lot of imaginary banners though.

Kevin: I appreciate you talking to me and I appreciate you becoming friends with Lia.

Dan: It’s been a blast! I’m thankful to be out of the cold boxes and back into your life buddy!

Ain’t Nobody Got Time for This!

If the rest of the year is anything like the first half of January, then 2013 is going to be a doozy!

The first 15 days of my month plays out like a modern day country song. I’ve lost my identity, my roof is leaking, my football team lost, my man-crush lost and I got the cancer, albeit skin cancer but it’s still cancer.

As my good friend Sweet Brown would say, “Ain’t nobody got time for that!“

I won’t go into detail on the Colts loss and the Broncos loss. Actually, on the latter I already did and you can read about it in my PopBlerd! story titled, “I Don’t Follow Sports!” Yah, it sucked. Especially for Peyton Manning. The Colts, well I was just happy they were there, what an inspirational season!

Having my identity stolen, my roof leaking and the skin cancer. Now that really sucks!

And the fun part with all this is that I didn’t worry – at least not at the beginning – until recently when it’s gotten to worry time. Alright stop! Worry time! That was my MC Hammer reference. You only get one!

Who Am I?

Someone in Syracuse bought an iPhone 4 using my information back in October. I went to AT&T, my then wireless carrier, and their fraud department was kind enough to credit me back the price of the phone and the “upgrade” I didn’t order.

We put a Security PIN on my account and everything went smoothly until I decided in late-November that I was going to get out of the Dark Ages and buy a Smartphone. On a friend’s recommendation I went with month-to-month carrier BoostMobile and their unlimited text, talk and data package. Two months later and it’s like Mickey D’s, “I’m loving it!“

Except that to get BoostMobile to transfer my number over I had to release my Security PIN. Floodgates open! Just like that I was getting emails from AT&T thanking me for my new account. I called them and they said they didn’t see any unusual activity on my account. I figured it was an email scam. I was wrong! Turns out purchasing nine new accounts with new phones and sending them to a state where the billing address is not located is not unusual activity.

When I received my $1,500 bill (I must be lost. You all have $1,500 bills?! Is this not unusual either?!) I called AT&T. They transferred me to collections. Sorry buddy! I don’t want collections. I ain’t paying that bill!

I ended up in a conversation with a dude from the fraud department that basically said they can’t prove that it wasn’t me because the changes were being made from my online account and after further review they determined it to NOT be fraud. Yes, like everything else, you’re guilty until proven innocent.

Do you think the Snohomish County Sheriff’s office gives a lick about my ID theft case? Not when there are 20 other physical burglaries going on around town.

Thus begins the lengthy process of paperwork, phone calls and trying to prove that I’m not selling iPhone’s on the black market.

I am looking forward to watching this new movie titled “Identity Theft“. Seems like I might be able to relate now.

Taking a Leak

I switched my home insurance over to Nationwide (and you all should too!) when I started with Nationwide last March. After a review of the house my underwriter determined that my roof needed repairs and that I needed to replace it (because I have that money in an envelope under my mattress) or get a roof company to prove that it was stable by Jan. 16. Well on Jan. 7 Lis wanted me to look at something in the garage. Unfortunately it wasn’t “Flash Me Friday!” Instead it was a leak in our garage that was coming from the roof.

After further review my dad determined that it appears my roof is leaking from the ridge. The same part I straddled when I watched Erik power wash it last Fall. That sucks!

So now the process of redoing my roof begins. Luckily Dad and Erik are handy and have said they will help me with the roof. Unluckily I don’t have cash coming out of my armpits (not sure what that means) and am not able to just turnaround and buy 55 bags of shingles.

Not Your Average Booger

For about a year and a half I’ve had a serious zit thing in my nose that seems to have been growing through my nostril, like an odd piercing. I picked at it, from both sides, and it would eventually go away. Then it eventually came back. I’d pick, it’d go away and then come back. Pick, Poke, repeat. Until last month when my dad had something removed from his face that looked similar to what was on my nostril. He went in and found it was cancer. He had it removed, received 18 stitches and a nice backwards 7 scar on his face. He’s better now. Anyway, he told me I should get mine checked.

Well I had mine checked. Had a Punch Biopsy, where they basically take a one-hole punch to your nose and pop out where the source is coming from, stitch you up with two quick stitches and send you on your way. No problem. Except when I go to blow my nose and wipe the tissue over my scab, or when Levi thinks it’s funny to laugh and point at the Band-Aid on my nose. He’s almost two.

The doctor gave me hope when he said it looked benign. Well, it wasn’t. I have Basal Cell Carcinoma (BCC) and need to have the ol’ Mohs Surgery done. BCC is actually the most common skin cancer! How cool is that?!

And kids, ALWAYS wear sunscreen!

Honestly it’s not a big deal, just sucks because it’s Relay season (and basketball season) and I’ll be talking in front of people (and attempting to duck flying elbows) with stitches or a scar on my face!

I will have to be numbed up, which means a few needle pokes, which they did for the biopsy but after watching Lis get poked and prodded with countless needles I’ve learned that I really have no room to complain. I mean she’s outnumbered me by hundreds. I guess you could say watching her go through that process toughened me up. She wasn’t complaining so what room do I have to complain if someone wants to poke a needle in my nose.

What would make this month better is if I came out of the chute rocking it in new business! Unfortunately it’s been slow and I’ve had the aforementioned distractions (along with the start of the Relay season and planning Youth Group) attempting to knock off my focus. Ain’t nobody got time for that!

P.S.
Yes, I would love your business! That I have time for!

Oh and I did get a Tweet back from Tony Dungy. I thought it was cool!